Frequently-Asked Questions

FAQ about Attention Whores

What is an attention whore?

An attention whore is someone who has an uncontrollable desire to be at the center of attention at any price.

Can anyone become an attention whore?

Everyone has a certain amount of attention whore in them. In some people, however, the desire to be loved and respected and admired spirals out of control. They begin to do degrading and shameful things just so that they can remain the center of attention.

Are certain people more likely to become attention whores than others?

In our studies, we have found that certain groups of people form what we call ‘at-risk’ groups. These groups include Hollywood and television celebrities, popular musicians, hotel heiresses, politicians, religious leaders and that one girl who went to your high school.

Can you name some well-known attention whores?

Hell, no. We don’t need that kind of trouble.

What can I do about the problem of attention whoring?

Unlike most problems, the best thing to do with an attention whore is to just close your eyes and turn away. Deprived of attention, attention whores may initially become more desperate, but in time they will usually slip quietly into a kind of catatonic state.

Is there anything else I can do?

Turning off your television is strongly recommended. Our studies have shown that the largest concentrations of attention whores can be found on television. You can also refuse to pay attention to ‘celebrity news’, stop watching programs like “Jersey Shore”, and ignore air-headed celebrities when they spread misinformation about important issues.

FAQ about the Made Up Facts Foundation (MUFF)

Who is the Made Up Facts Foundation?

No one you have ever heard of.

Are you connected to the Village Voice?

Not in any way, shape or form.

Are you sex traffickers?

If we were sex traffickers, we’d be able to pay for a proper website, instead of having to freeload on Tumblr.

Do you think child sex slavery is funny?

Not even slightly. In fact, we think it’s such a serious problem that when we see feather-headed celebrities use it as a way of raising their public profile, it makes us get very nasty and cynical.

Will someone from the Made Up Facts Foundation be able to attend my event?

No. While we commend everyone who has the energy to get up off the couch and organize any kind of event, even if it’s just a children’s birthday party or a three-legged race, we are far too busy and rich and beautiful and important to bother ourselves going anywhere or being nice to people, even if we say we care deeply about whatever cause it is that we care deeply about this week. We’d rather sit home and count our money and read about ourselves in the celebrity press. Wait, sorry, I think we got ourselves confused with A______ and D___ there for a moment. The reason why no one from MUFF can come to your event is because, frankly, we’re terrible with maps. We get lost every time we go more than a mile from home. Sorry.

Why are you mocking good people like A______ and D___?

Because, frankly, they have earned it.

Sex trafficking is real. Child sex trafficking is real. But you don’t fight a problem by telling lies about it. Your ‘good people’ are repeating the same false statistics that have been going around for years. Those invented numbers have been used to stir up a moral panic that has generated hundreds of millions of dollars in funding. Unfortunately, most of that money has gone to law enforcement, or to the same organizations that manufactured the panic, many of which have their own, rather different agendas. It has done little to help actual victims of trafficking, children or adults, in the sex industry or out of it. In many cases, it has had consequences that have been actually harmful to women, sex workers and trafficked persons.

If you-know-who were serious about wanting to do something about sex trafficking, they wouldn’t be making bullshit ‘public service announcements’ to ‘raise awareness’ about the issue - which actually look a lot like announcements aimed to ‘raise awareness’ about them. They’d be putting their considerable wealth behind measures that would actually do some good and provide real services to the victims of trafficking.

What’s an example of a useful action against child sex trafficking?

Senate Bill 596, sponsored by John Cornyn and Ron Wyden and described in this Village Voice article, looks pretty good. It would provide funding for shelters for victims of child sex trafficking. Amazingly, despite all the hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent to little effect on ‘combatting child sex trafficking’, this is actually the first bill to earmark dollars to provide shelter for victims.

A______ and D___ are beautiful and good. You are evil and you are going to Hell.

I’m sorry, was that a question?